Backward Twice
by Demian33
Summary: When Frozen Heat hits #1 on the NYT Bestseller List, Gina throws a huge party where Castle and Beckett make their public debut ... that doesn't go so well. Some jealousy, alcohol, blasts from the past, and other fun stuff thrown in. Set before Probable Cause but in S5. COMPLETE.
1. Chapter 1

**CHAPTER ONE**

"God, you look hot," Castle mumbled into her ear as he stood behind her, arms wrapped around her waist tightly, his hand starting to wander upward.

"Yes, you've said that about five times now," she smirked, putting on her earrings.

"But I mean, really hot … reaaalllly hot," he whispered onto the skin of her neck, making her shiver.

"Again, thank you, but we are already late. We need to get going," she told him, glancing at herself in the mirror one last time just before he spun her around.

"Can we make out for a while first?"

She laughed. "We've already made out twice since we started getting ready. I'm not doing my makeup again," she said, gently pushing him to the side and walking out of the bathroom.

"Baseball, baseball, baseball …" he repeated to himself.

"It's not working!" he called out to her.

"Try thinking of dead bodies or something!" she called back.

"Damn it, Beckett, not cool! Now whenever I think about dead bodies, I think about you!"

"It's everything a girl dreams of," she smiled, peeking her head back in. "Come on, we need to get going. Go call for the car."

"Already did," he said, still a little pouty. He grabbed his tuxedo jacket from the closet and put it on. When he turned around, she was standing in the middle of his room, waiting for him, looking so damn good in a red velvet dress that fit her body like a second skin. God, he loved her.

"Nervous?" he asked as they headed out of the bedroom.

"A little. I never liked these things anyway, you know that," she admitted as he helped her into her coat.

"We spend so much of our time in your world. We have to spend a little in mine," he reminded her, shaking on his trench coat.

"I know. And you don't ask that much of me …"

"It's really not that much fun for me anymore either," he confessed. "Yes, I'm glad the books are doing so well, obviously. But the parties, the Page 6 stuff—I guess I've just grown out of it."

"I wonder why," she pondered, slipping her hand into his as they headed toward the elevator.

"You know why," he said, lightly squeezing her hand.

"Well, you have gotten older," she teased.

"I like to think I've become more seasoned, shall we say, more refined?"

She snorted softly.

"You know it's you," he told her seriously as they stepped onto the elevator.

"You've changed me, too," she answered, moving closer to him as he pulled her into his arms.

Foreheads pressed together, they simultaneously sighed.

"We're going to have fun tonight, Kate. We have a lot to celebrate. I'm not asking you to go tonight because _Frozen Heat_ hit #1. I'm asking you to go because you're my girlfriend …" he sighed. "That sounds lame … my lover?" he tried.

"My partner," she stated, giving him a feather soft kiss behind his ear.

"That does fit …" he agreed.

"We stick together and we will do amazing things," she promised, her lips moving to hover over his.

Castle groaned when the elevator doors opened. They nodded to Eduardo as they left the building and walked toward the car.

"A limo, Castle?" she said with a mix of mostly exasperation and some giddiness.

"Cliché, I know, but considering the circumstance, we weren't going to show up in the Crown Vic. People like reading about the gritty stuff, but they don't want to see it."

"My car is not gritty," she challenged him. "I think I keep it very clean."

"You do, I give you that. But what's so bad about riding in an insanely comfortable car with leather, heated seats, a sunroof, a bar, and me beside you?" he asked, opening the door for her.

"Sounds pretty good, actually," she said, stepping inside the vehicle. He followed her in and shut the door.

He immediately slid over and crowded her against the door, his arms snaking around her intimately.

"Okay," she said, already breathless. "We can kiss. But only kiss. I'll fix my makeup before we go in. No touching my hair and no taking off clothes …"

"What about loosening clothes?" he asked, his hand moved to cup the back of her neck as his lips searched for hers.

"No loosening clothes, no…" she said, squirming. "Only the face …"

"And the hands," he murmured before his lips came for hers and his hand went to her breast.

She smiled, luxuriating in his touch. "Damn, I knew this thing with us would be good, but I never thought …"

His hands came to her face then, cradling it, kissing her harder.

"I know, it's amazing. I can't believe it …" he whispered when they took a quick breath.

"I love you so much, Rick. I wish I could say something more, because I feel … more …"

"I know," he said, pulling back and looking at her face.

She bit her lip, trying to keep her tears at bay. This damn man. He was becoming everything to her. She couldn't stop falling in love with him. It would be like trying to swim up a waterfall.

"You've already said more to me than I thought you would, Kate. It's okay … I know you don't like to talk about things ..."

"I want to … I'm trying …" she interjected.

"I don't care as much as I thought I would. This is more about what I'm feeling anyway, not about what I'm thinking. Honestly, the best feeling I've ever had was when we first kissed, when I finally got to touch you, to take you into my room and just strip everything away until it was just us, finally loving each other the way I have wanted to for so long …"

"_We've_ wanted for so long," she corrected.

"The fact that I am still touching you—that tells me everything I need to know."

"But do you know, do you understand how much you have really …. opened me?" she said, feeling slightly embarrassed.

"Kate, you have made me a better person, father, son … man … human being … I would not be who I am today if I had never met you. This is new for me, too."

"I didn't know this was what love felt like," she laughed as one tear betrayed her and slid down her cheek.

"Me neither. And I don't want to let you go … like, ever. You are so precious to me. I feel like we are the only two people on earth when I'm with you."

"Yeah, it's weird, right?"

"Totally weird," he agreed.

"You still get on my nerves sometimes," she reminded him, needing to stop their descent into total goo-dom.

"No way. Not anymore. You love all my jokes and crazy theories now," he stated robustly, getting her hint and moving away from her slightly.

"Oh, really?" she asked innocently, as her hand immediately shot out, wriggled under his coat, and found its target.

"Shit," he gasped, fiercely sucking in air.

"Ah ha! I finally have a way to shut you up," she smiled, rubbing her hand over him, warming him, driving him …

"You're driving me crazy!" he hissed as her ministrations became more enthusiastic.

"I couldn't talk for 30 minutes after what you did to me last night," she reminded him. "Don't think you're not driving me crazy, too."

With a laugh, she brought her hand back to her lap and watched him closely. His head was lying back against the seat. His eyes were closed and he looked as if he were fiercely concentrating on something. She loved catching him in these kinds of unguarded moments. He really was handsome.

He had a little sweat along his hairline—she had to brutally beat down the urge to lick it off him and then was immediately horrified. Jesus, is this what love does to you? She was in deep, too deep to do anything about it now.

"Fine, we both drive each other crazy, but it's much easier for you to … conceal … your craziness," he said after a minute, still taking quick, shallow breaths.

"You should walk in there with a huge boner, Castle. It's your party, after all."

"Just stop talking," he begged, shifting in his seat.

"I don't think you've ever said that to me," she teased.

"Hilarious … Kate?"

"Yes?"

"You know that thing I did to you last night?"

A jolt of desire burned through her body as she nodded her assent.

"If you stop talking right now, then later tonight, we're doing it backward." It sounded more like a threat than a come-on.

"Oh, like that's supposed to—"

Her retort died on her lips when the image of last night flip-flopped in her mind and she pictured exactly what he was talking about.

"Oh," she whispered, feeling a flush throughout her body and twin red patches on her cheeks.

They were still staring at each other when the car stopped and the driver opened the door.

"Oh, thank God," she said with relief, needing to get out of that car before they got into something they couldn't—or wouldn't want to—get out of.

When the bright flashes of light first hit her eyes, she put up her clutch to block her face. And then Castle was beside her, and they were walking purposefully but calmly down the red carpet.

"Put your purse down and smile," he advised.

She did, but she still couldn't stop blinking. It was insane, something you saw on TV or in the movies. How did these people not go blind?

"Just think about later tonight," he told her, slipping his arm around her waist.

And so they began the little dance down the red carpet. He walked forward mostly, but every once in a while he turned her to the side for a moment or stopped their progress to say something perfectly charming to the media.

"It will just be you and me. We have the house to ourselves for the whole weekend," he whispered to her. "We don't even have to get dressed. We can order in whenever we get hungry. We can literally stay in bed all day. We can do whatever we want." He took a quick look at her then, his eyes twinkling.

She relaxed a little. She recognized the man she loved in those eyes. He was here with her still; he hadn't turned into some cocky, arrogant jerk as they faced this onslaught.

He suddenly turned them again and Kate was shocked to find herself face to face with Ryan Seacrest. She had no idea someone like him would be there. Damn, this _was_ a big deal. As a fan of his writing herself, she was always surprised to find herself underestimating how much people adored him, how much they loved his books, how even celebrities could be fans.

"Such a huge fan, Mr. Castle," he said. "Really, all the way back to Derek Storm and beyond."

"That's so cool!" Castle laughed like a little kid.

"A question?" Seacrest said in his perfect voice.

"Sure," he agreed.

"I see the lovely Detective Beckett is here with you tonight, who is, of course, the delightful and dangerous woman behind Nikki Heat. If I may say so, you too look very dashing together—very happy. Is life imitating art here?"

Beckett froze. What in the hell was she going to say to _that_?

Castle pulled her closer and to her utter surprise, he looked at her directly. And then, without the whole classic, eyebrow-raised swagger he usually did with reporters, he spoke to her alone.

"This smart, amazing, beautiful woman is my partner. We've been through hell together and somehow always come out okay on the other side. That's what partners do—they look out for each other …

"Detective Beckett's name isn't on the book cover, but none of this would be possible without her. For many people, art and life can be strikingly similar. You could say it's been that way for Detective Beckett and myself."

Then he turned back to Seacrest and was immediately back "on."

"But let's talk about art tonight, shall we? After all, Seacrest, we're here for a book. And I believe books are almost always better than real life."

"Well spoken, Mr. Castle. Thank you. And you enjoy your evening!"

"Almost?" she asked, as they turned away and continued to walk.

"This is so much better than any book. Nikki and Rook have nothing on us—they never will. I'm not that great of a writer and the thing we have together is pretty much beyond words …"

"Pretty much," she agreed, smiling.

"You have a beautiful smile, Kate. Use it tonight. Don't feel nervous. Talk to Mother. Have some champagne. This night is really about us. Without you, there really is no Nikki Heat."

"I still can't believe you went with that name," she grumbled.

He laughed and took her hand as they stepped up a few stairs to the doorway.

"I have to do the rounds, you know, but we won't stay that long … Ever since I thought about last night in reverse … I would only stay five minutes if Gina would let me."

"Right?" she agreed, frustrated as well.

"But I promise, it won't be long. Think of how much time we have before us. Consider this an occupational hazard. And I owe you one …"

"Just, let's do that thing tonight and I'm good, okay?" She smiled as the door opened before them.

"We'll do it twice," he smirked at her. Together, they walked through the doorway and into the hotel.


	2. Chapter 2

Please review. Reviews are so important to the process and really make my day when I read them. I hope you guys are liking this story. I will put you through the angst, but will always reward you in the end. (-:

* * *

**CHAPTER TWO**

They were bombarded by Gina the second they crossed the threshold and inundated with questions of where had they been, why were they late, were they trying to give her a heart attack, and the like.

As always, Castle flashed his charming smile and was able to calm her down.

"All that matters is we're here now," he assured her, eyeing the room.

Together, Castle and Beckett surveyed the room in awe. The whole room looked like a winter wonderland ice cave, with blues and silvers dominating. Drinks were served in frosted martini glasses and many rocks drinks had glow-in-the-dark ice cubes in them.

There was a monstrous cutout of the cover of _Frozen Heat_ in one corner and a slightly smaller one of Castle across the room. In the middle of the room was an impressive ice sculpture of Nikki Heat, which made Kate blush and kind of laugh, too. The servers were painted white and blue and looked like icicles come to life.

"Wow," Beckett said.

"Yeah, really, Gina. You've outdone yourself this time. Your parties are always awesome, but this is _awesome_!" Castle agreed.

"Glad you like it, now can we get down to business?" Gina said curtly.

"Whoa. Let us get a drink first at least," Castle said, waving at a few friends who stood not far from them.

Gina snapped her fingers and a waiter appeared at her side with two of the frozen martinis. Castle took one and then handed the other to Kate. She took a sip and nearly swooned with pleasure. It was some sort of vanilla vodka concoction that reminded her of pudding pops. It was delicious.

"Okay, here's the deal. Richard, you come with me. We have to make the rounds with the magazine and newspaper reporters, give them your quotes and so on. Then you need to make an appearance in the VIP room."

"Sure, let's go …" he told her, looking slightly dazzled at this amazing display. He took hold of Kate's hand.

Gina shot him a look that could have come from the Ice Queen herself. Like kids, they immediately let go of each other's hands, feeling scolded.

"Look, Gina, we talked about this already," he said, recovering and finding his voice. "We're together and I know that this is about the book and all, but I want her by my side."

"I am very well aware of the fact that you are together, but unless Detective Beckett wants to be dragged around like some mute, smiling bimbo, I suggest you make your rounds first. You have a job to do. The fun can come later," she said in a way that they both knew meant they didn't really have a choice in the matter.

"Detective Beckett …" Gina started.

"I'm fine," she said, taking another sip of her drink. Jesus, it was good.

"Very well. Kate, you will find Martha on the far side of the bar. Also, we have a small area roped off around the sculpture of Nikki Heat, along with a photographer. As you can see, there are already many people interested in having their picture taken with you in front of your character. Vincent here will escort you and handle any unpleasantness."

Kate's eyes nearly popped out of her head when she saw the line. There had to be at least twenty people in it. They were smiling and pointing at her already. She looked at Vincent, who was easily seven feet tall. His rippled muscles were actually visible through his loose-fitting tuxedo.

"I don't need a handler," Kate said, craning her neck to look up at Vincent's smiling face. "No offense, Vincent."

"None taken. I'll just escort you over there and stay nearby. You won't even notice me," he told her pleasantly.

"I doubt that," she mumbled.

"Are you okay with this?" Castle leaned over and whispered into her ear.

"I'll be fine. Go do your job. We knew what we were in for," she said, resigned.

"I love you," he told her quickly, before Gina literally grabbed his arm and started to march him over to a cordoned-off section where reporters were already pushing and shoving to get to the front of the line.

"This way, ma'am," Vincent said to her, offering her his arm. She placed her hand on his forearm, which felt more like a steel rail.

"Okay, let's do this," she replied, as they started to make their way through the crowd.

* * *

Once Kate started to relax, which was well into her second martini, she started to enjoy herself, despite the constant flashing in her eyes. Many of the people who came up for a picture were women who were truly inspired by her character, some of them even in law enforcement. Sure, there were some men who became a little too touchy and familiar with her, but then Vincent would appear from nowhere, and the men simply faded away. She met literary agents, writers, and journalists, and also a dentist, a city worker, a physicist, a famous soccer player, and a well-known country singer.

When Vincent stepped in to announce that Detective Beckett would be taking a break to freshen up, Kate was surprised she wasn't already annoyed and sick of this. She was actually enjoying herself.

"Another martini, Detective?" Vincent asked in his cool, deep voice.

"I would love one, yes, please," she said, taking his arm again as he led her to the bar, where Martha was waving her over with much enthusiasm. Not more than a second after she sat down, the drink was before her and Vincent had vanished again.

"Oh, Kate, don't you look lovely?" Martha exclaimed, leaning over to give her a quick kiss on either cheek.

"Thanks, Martha. You look absolutely beautiful." And she did—her light mint green gown embroidered with small jewels had her simply sparkling.

"Kate, this is Thaddeus," Martha said, as the two shook hands.

"Very nice to meet the inspiration behind the books, Detective Beckett," he said politely, still not taking his eyes off Martha.

"Call me Kate. And thanks," she said, before leaning over and whispering into Martha's ear that she needn't worry about entertaining her, she could use a moment to chill out anyway. Martha patted her on the arm and turned her attentions back to Thaddeus.

Taking a sip of her martini, promising herself it would be her last one, she started to survey the room. It took her a moment to find him, but when she did, her heart simply leapt to her throat. He looked so handsome, so at ease in this craziness. It just made her love him more.

With Martha still occupied, she watched him make the rounds, talking to people, shaking hands, giving a kiss or a friendly pat on the back. She watched him pose with people for photos, compliment wives and girlfriends. He looked like a politician, so smooth and in his element.

After she posed for a quick picture with the president of Castle's publishing company, she found Castle again, this time talking to a strikingly beautiful blonde woman. She had her hand pressed against one side of his face as they shared a moment together. Castle nodded at her when she passed on, seeming not to notice the woman slipping a piece of paper into his suit jacket pocket.

Jealousy flared up in her, but she forced it back down. She knew he would have to talk to beautiful women—even touch them. But over the next twenty minutes that she watched him, understanding turned into astonishment and then anger. She saw a woman grab his ass more than once, another woman slide her leg up Castle's thigh for a provocative picture. Women were kissing him on the cheek, touching his face, his hair, his chest.

What had seemed like a general balance of men and women before had turned into a bountiful parade of incredibly gorgeous women, each taking their little piece of him. One woman leaned in to whisper something in his ear and when he whispered something back to her that sent them into a fit of giggles, she actually reached for her non-existent gun.

"I always hated that one," Martha said, sliding up closer to Kate. "They dated for about two seconds, but the way she reacted when he broke it off, you'd have thought they had been dating for two decades."

"Who is she?" Kate asked, trying to keep her voice calm and even.

"A magazine editor, a book reviewer? I don't remember—they all really run together in my mind."

"How many women in this room has he dated?" she asked Martha, who seemed too oblivious to note the discomfort Kate was feeling.

"Probably half of them, kiddo. But they don't hold a candle to you, my dear. You're the keeper. I've never seen Richard love someone as much as he loves you!" she told her, raising her glass for a toast.

"Can you excuse me, Martha? I need to run to the restroom," Kate said, quickly getting up and grabbing her clutch, not waiting for a reply.

"I'll hold onto your seat, Detective!" Martha called out, already turning back to Thaddeus. Vincent was immediately by her side, but she waved him off.

"Just a trip to the ladies room. I'll be all right. Remember, I am a cop," she told him, forcing herself to smile. He nodded and backed away again, satisfied with her answer.

Kate headed in the direction of the bathroom, but instead kept walking through the immense hallways of the luxurious hotel until she found a side exit door. To her relief, it opened up to the alley, where two kitchen employees were smoking and talking. When she scrambled down the stairs, they put out their cigarettes and stood up.

"Are you okay, ma'am?" the tall one asked.

"Oh yeah, I'm fine. Just wanted some air and to make a phone call," she explained, opening her clutch and pulling out her phone.

"We could have someone escort you to the front of the hotel," he offered.

"I'm fine here. I promise. I'm just going to be a second," she answered them, flashing what she hoped was a smile.

"Enjoy your evening," the dark-haired one said before they went back inside.

As soon as they left, Kate began to hyperventilate, wishing she was out of this ridiculous dress so she could sit on the stoop and pull herself together.

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay, she told herself over and over. He didn't want those women. He wanted her. But she couldn't stop imagining him with all of those women, taking them into his bed and undressing them, touching their skin and exploring their bodies, maybe even telling them he loved them.

She knew what she was getting into when she started dating him, but she never expected to have to watch an entire showcase of the women he had been with before her—and this was only a fraction of them. They had avoided the "what's your number" conversation, but she was sure her number was a mere drop of water compared to the sea of women he had been with.

He had told her again and again that _this_ was different. Had assured her in the Hamptons that none of the women before her had been _her_. He had waited patiently, for years, for her. Aside from some minor flirtations with Jacinda because he was hurt, he had promised her that he hadn't been with anyone seriously for over a year now.

She believed him, but she didn't believe that everything always turned out perfect. Her life had been one reminder after another that people changed, that things weren't what they seemed. She may not be his flavor of the month, but who's to say his appetites wouldn't change down the line?

She had been serious when she had told him she was a "one and done" kind of girl. She had never loved like this before and she was certain that this was leading to moving in together, getting married, maybe even kids. She had more trust issues than most people had opinions, but he would be challenging for even the most trustworthy woman on earth.

She knew she was jealous. She knew she was probably halfway drunk. But she had never been one to explain her feelings away just because of that. If anything, she felt things more acutely when she had some alcohol to relax her constantly vigilant mind. She could access her feelings when her guard was down, and she didn't like what she was feeling.

She sighed and looked around her, starting to shiver in the cold.

Go back inside, she told herself. It's okay. They just needed to talk. He would understand; he would reassure her. They would go home and take these stupid clothes off and be themselves. They would eat popcorn and watch a movie and make love before falling asleep in each other's arms.

Oh, God, how she wanted that.

But when she looked up at the door that led back into the hotel, she couldn't bring herself to open it. She put her hand onto the doorknob but couldn't force herself to turn it. She was a mess. If he saw her like this, he would only see more of what she had tried to hide from him for so long—that she was broken, probably forever. It might even scare him off to see her like this.

Dr. Burke's words flooded her mind then, reminding her that she had to take risks, she had to open up, she had to live life, come what may. She tried to draw strength from those words, but they did not comfort her. She knew he would tell her to go back inside right now, pull Castle aside and tell him exactly how she felt. That's what the new Kate would do, the healthy Kate with fewer walls and more hope.

But she couldn't do it. She felt out of control and sloppy. If she embarrassed him—the thought of Nikki Heat embarrassing him at his own party made her sick to her stomach. No, she couldn't risk it. She would go home. She would call him later. He would understand or he wouldn't. The one thing she was positive of was that she was in no condition to be tactful and refined right now. She wanted to cry her eyes out and if she didn't leave now, she would be doing it alone in this alley.

Striding out onto the sidewalk, she quickly waved down a taxi, gave the driver her address, and wrapped her arms tightly around herself, fighting to keep the tears at bay.


	3. Chapter 3

Thanks for the reviews. You guys are great. Please keep them coming and I will keep up the quick updates!

* * *

**CHAPTER THREE**

"You all know why we are here tonight—to celebrate Richard Castle's latest novel hitting #1 on the _New York Times_ Bestseller List …" Gina paused then so everyone could clap, which they did enthusiastically.

"But you didn't come tonight to hear me speak, so without further ado, here is the man of the evening, Mr. Richard Castle!"

Castle took the three small steps onto the raised platform in one bound and took the microphone from Gina.

"To tell you guys the truth, we wouldn't be here tonight without Gina's brilliance and diligence, so how about a hand for her?"

Gina nodded slightly as she stepped down from the riser. She immediately waved over her assistant to plan the next phase of the evening.

Castle paused a moment, soaking up the spotlight. He had a speech prepared, but he had changed his mind and tucked it in his pocket. Tonight, he wanted to speak from his heart. This success was a miracle, a dream, but he had not done it alone. For once, he didn't want to be the charming, mischievous playboy they all expected. He wanted to be who he was now—who he was because of her.

"I want to thank all of you for coming. Really, it means a lot to me. Many of you have helped me along the way and I hope you know how much I have appreciated it," he stopped then for the light burst of applause.

"Nikki Heat is an amazing woman. She is strong, smart, and beautiful, but she's just a character.

"There is a real woman behind Nikki and while they differ in some ways, Detective Beckett is every bit as strong and as smart as Nikki, even more so. She is ferocious, determined, caring, and the bravest person I know. One of the best days of my life is when I met her and a close second is when I got the chance to become a part of her team and really see what I had only written about.

"This is not a woman who wants to be in the spotlight—she never asks for any recognition. She doesn't make millions; she doesn't sign autographs. She's more at home at a crime scene than at a fancy party like this. She solves real murders, talks with real victims. She really cares and makes the streets of New York safer for everyone."

He paused then, trying to force down the emotion that was rising in his throat.

"A writer is nothing without his muse and when I killed off Derek Storm, I was lost. If people get writer's block, I had writer's wall. A lot of walls. I had no idea what I was going to do next. I was terrified I had made a huge mistake.

"And when Detective Beckett came into my life, I was reborn in so many ways—as a writer and a man. Sure, she has helped me make millions, but she has changed me—irreversibly—for the better. I will never be able to repay all she has done for me, not just for letting me tag along to crime scenes, but for showing me how hard and selflessly a person will work to give closure and a little comfort to victims of terrible crimes. She is truly one of New York's finest.

"I asked Detective Beckett to come here with me tonight so you could see in person what I see every day and I am sure anybody who has met her can see exactly what I mean. I also asked her to come tonight because she is my partner … and partners stick together—always.

"So, at huge risk to my personal health and the future of the Nikki Heat series, I am going to ask Detective Beckett to go against every bone in her body and come up here with me and share the spotlight—just for one second, even. I want the chance to clap and show my appreciation for her and I hope you will join me. Detective, may I have the honor?"

The room burst into applause and cheers as everyone anticipated her arrival on stage. He searched the room for her and the longer the applause lasted and she didn't surface, he began to worry.

"Come on, Detective. Don't be shy. I'll owe you one!" he said, laughing.

But still, she did not show. He found his mother's eyes at the bar and she shrugged with a puzzled look in her eyes. He began to panic now—Where was she? Was she okay? The applause began to dwindle.

"Hopefully, Detective Beckett's stage fright isn't this bad," he joked, tried to keep up the illusion that everything was okay.

After a few more moments, he gave up and told the audience, "I'm sure she's around here somewhere. Have another drink and we'll try this again in a few minutes. Thanks again, everyone!"

In his haste, he dropped the microphone to the ground, blasting a loud thunk of feedback into the room. People quieted down and began looking around and whispering. Thank God Gina had the wits to get the music started again and the guests slowly started to settle back into the vibe.

Castle made a beeline for his mother. Vincent met him there.

"Where is she?" he demanded.

"She went to the ladies room. She wanted to go alone, said she could take care of herself, that she was a cop. I waited nearby at a respectable distance, but she never came out. I've been looking for her for twenty minutes at least," Vincent explained, obviously upset.

"Why did Gina hire you? Are you security? You do know that Kate has been in danger and probably still is?" Castle told him roughly.

"I'm not security, just a handler. Miss Cowell just wanted to make sure that Detective Beckett was not harassed tonight."

"But you're huge. You have to be security," Castle insisted.

"Mr. Castle, I am as God made me," Vincent said, solemnly.

"For God's sake, Richard—a new line of questioning perhaps?" Martha interrupted, exasperated.

"Did you talk to her, Mother?" Castle sighed, turning to her.

"Of course I did, not thirty minutes ago. She left to go to the restroom, just like the gentleman said."

"What did you and Kate talk about?" he asked, sitting down next to her. He nodded at Vincent, who left to resume the search.

"I don't remember exactly, Richard, just girl talk," she laughed, looking over at Thaddeus again.

Castle took the glass from her and took hold of her hands.

"You were the last person to see her, to talk with her. Anything you can remember would be helpful," he said through gritted teeth, trying to stay calm and not take out his anger on her.

"Well, let's see. I introduced her to Thaddeus and then she just looked around the room while he and I continued our conversation. And …" she trailed off.

"And?" he said, anxiously.

"Oh, Richard, I'm sorry. I don't remember … oh, wait!" she exclaimed.

"What?" he practically yelled.

"We were looking at that magazine editor you dated for a split second … what's her name? Rebecca. I told Kate that I wasn't fond of that woman and then she asked me how many of these women you had dated."

Their faces froze in horror and realization at the same time.

"Oh, Richard, darling, I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking …"

"What exactly did you say to her, Mother?" he asked, starting to lose his patience.

Martha frowned and dropped her head into her hands, shaking it back and forth.

"What?" he said, his voice softening. "Just tell me."

When she looked up again, tears were in her eyes.

"I told her you had probably dated about half of them—"

"Oh, my God, Mother! That isn't even true!"

"It must have made her feel uncomfortable," Martha mused.

"Of course it did!" Castle replied, wanting to pull his hair out.

"I told her she was different from them, that you've never loved any of them like you love her … but … looking back …" she sighed. "How dreadful of me."

And then the events of the night raced through his mind—all of the touching and the flirting, women had been all over him. Of course it didn't mean a thing to him; it really felt just like business, like he was at work. But to Kate … if she thought he had slept with at least half of them… it was horrible. He couldn't imagine how he'd feel if he was in the room right now with just one person Kate had been with.

"Shit," he muttered, running his hands through his hair. "She's gone. I know it. She went to her place. I have to go. I have to go right now."

When he spun around though, Gina was right in front of him.

"You aren't going anywhere, Richard," she said firmly.

"Get out of my way, Gina. I mean it," he replied sharply.

"This night is about your book. Your _success_. The rest can wait."

"Kate is not 'the rest,' Gina. Jesus, didn't you hear me up there? This is all about her and now she's upset and alone and I couldn't care less about the fucking book. Please get out of my way," he said, barely controlling his urge to push right through her.

"You still haven't talked to the _New York Magazine._ Your first editor, whom you haven't seen in over ten years, is here and wants to catch up. Besides, what will everyone think if you just run out of here?" she demanded, exasperated.

"I don't care what they think. I pay you to tell them what to think. You can tell everyone in this room to go fuck themselves for all I care!"

"Oh, Richard, please," Martha said dramatically, embarrassed at his language.

"Kate matters more than any of this, more than anything in my life. It started with the books, but it hasn't been about the books for a long time now. All of you know that!" he expressed emphatically.

"Can't she wait a couple of hours for you?" Gina said matter-of-factly.

"Fuck this!" Castle exploded. He stepped around Gina and began walking quickly toward the door. He felt a few hands try to grab him and a few voices call his name, but he walked quickly and never turned back. He left his coat behind and didn't even call for the limo. He hailed a cab and gave him Kate's address, promising an extra $50 if he got them there as fast as he could.


	4. Chapter 4

Sorry guys, but this chapter will leave you hanging a bit. Don't worry though, I will update very soon, maybe even tomorrow if I get some morereviews. Wow, that's kind of blackmail, isn't it? It's just that they really inspire me and keep me moving!

And I promise the ending is happy! (-:

* * *

**CHAPTER FOUR**

As soon as Kate stepped into her apartment, she dropped her clutch to the floor and practically tore the dress off her body. She trudged into the bathroom and roughly washed all of the makeup off her face. She pulled her hair into a messy ponytail and went into her room. Grabbing her favorite grey sweats and a NYPD t-shirt, she put them on quickly. She walked back into the living room and for a moment just stared around blindly. Then she collapsed onto the couch and burst into tears.

After a few minutes, she pulled herself together and decided to take a bath, if only to continue her bawling in a hot bathtub. Sniffling, she stood up and was halfway to her bedroom when she heard a tentative knock on the door.

Again she heard Dr. Burke's voice telling her to answer the door, not to run from things, not to be afraid that if Castle saw all of her, he would leave. She remembered Dr. Burke asking her—how much more does Castle have to see before you believe that he loves all of you?

She rubbed her eyes on the sleeves of her shirt. She could do this. He must have come after her almost immediately to be here this fast. She had to try. They would work through it. He loved her. Taking a deep breath, she opened the door.

"Kate."

She almost laughed, but then stumbled backward slightly in disbelief. Was the universe serious about this? She swallowed hard and mentally switched gears.

"Hi, Josh," she said weakly.

"May I come in?" he asked politely.

In shock, she turned away from him and simply walked into the room, sitting down on the couch and trying to figure out how Josh's reappearance was fitting into the horrifying nightmare she was having tonight. He shut the door behind him and sat in the swivel chair beside the coffee table.

"Are you all right?" he asked hesitantly, looking back at the red dress lying in a heap on the floor. "You look like you've been crying."

"Allergies," she said quickly, not even caring if he believed her. _What was he doing here?_

"Oh, that sucks, sorry," he answered. _Good ol' Josh, always the perceptive one._

He looked around a bit and then took a deep breath. Her heart felt like it had stopped beating.

"Katie, I've been sitting across the street from your apartment all night, waiting for you to come home. I need to talk to you. And I need you to listen and let me finish before you say anything. Can you do that for me?" he asked softly.

She was so lost in her world of hurt, she didn't even care. She shrugged, which he took as a sign to continue.

"I got home a month ago, from Uganda. While I was there, I contracted malaria. It was really bad," he sighed, steepling his fingers before him. "I almost died. I l spent nearly a month in a filthy cot in the scorching heat, out of my freaking mind with hallucinations. One minute I was shivering with cold, the next roasting with fever. I have never thrown up so much in my life. It was miserable."

"Sounds miserable …" she mumbled.

"It was," he nodded. "But the craziest thing was, I had the most amazing epiphany."

She groaned inside. She was pretty sure she did not want to hear this.

"It just hit me one day. One day, I was puking my guts out and it just came to me and suddenly I understood everything.

"The thing I realized is that I'm in love with you, Kate. Yes, I wanted to help people and I enjoyed the travel, but since I met you, it had felt emptier. I finally figured out that the reason I was going away so much is so you wouldn't get close to me.

"I've never had a serious relationship like the one we had, Kate. I never had faith in forever or marriage. I never wanted to need anyone. I kept leaving because I was scared of getting close. It was easier to run from my fears than to face them.

"So when I got home, I signed a new contract with the hospital and began withdrawing from my overseas commitments. I bought an apartment—I even got a plant," he laughed.

"Kate, I want to start over. I want to try us again. I'm here—I'm not going anywhere, ever again, unless you are with me."

After a long pause, she spoke.

"Josh, I think you're forgetting that I broke up with you. And it wasn't just because you were away all the time."

"I know, Katie, but I want you to consider something. You had been shot. You were hurting and on meds—you weren't in your right mind. You were pushing everyone away … me, your dad, your friends."

He sighed deeply then. "After all this time, I thought maybe you might have changed your mind, that you might want to give it another go."

"Josh, it's been over a year," she replied.

"I'm not too late, am I? Please tell me I'm not too late," he pleaded, tears in his eyes.

"Josh, what can I say? I've moved on. I'm …"

"You're with Castle, aren't you?" he cut in.

She exhaled heavily and turned away from him for a moment, trying to get herself together.

"Yes," she said, turning back to him. "I'm with Castle."

"How long?" he said, his tone changing abruptly.

She shook her head. "Not that it's any of your business, but a couple of months now."

"Are you happy?"

"Yes, Josh. I am."

"Is it getting serious?" he asked.

"I'm not playing twenty questions with you, Josh. I'm with Castle now and that's not going to change. I'm sorry you had malaria, but I am happy you came out of it with something positive. It sounds like you are ready to love for real, which makes me happy for you. It's just not going to be with me."

Josh jumped up then and started to pace.

"I think you should leave now," she told him.

"Kate, if you would just …"

The sound of a knock on the door interrupted him.

"Shit," she muttered under her breath.

But before she could do anything, he was headed to the door.

"Josh, don't you dare open that door! I mean it! Don't!" she cried, jumping up and running across the room.

But Josh did open the door and Kate's heart just about broke in two when she saw the expression on Castle's face. He already looked flustered and upset, like he had just run the thirty blocks over here, and she instantly regretted leaving the party.

But the way he looked now, seeing Josh, it was terrible. He was crushed. He looked like he did the whole time she was dating Josh—miserable and in a kind of permanent haze of gloom. Oh God, she thought, looking at her dress by the door and her ex-boyfriend in her apartment. He wouldn't think—

"Hello, Castle. How's it going?" Josh said, sounding weirdly friendly. He was purposely filling up the whole doorway with his body.

"Kate?" Castle called out, trying to look around him.

"Come on in, we were just having a chat actually. You're welcome to join us," Josh welcomed him.

Josh took a step back then and the first thing Castle saw was Kate's dress in a pile on the floor. It had been taken off quickly, haphazardly. He looked at Josh's face—he had been crying, that was obvious, but at least he was clothed.

And then he saw her, where she had frozen mid-step halfway between the living room and the door. Her face was puffy, her lips swollen. Her hair was a mess. Had she been crying? Or … or …

"What's going on here?" he demanded loudly, though it came out very weakly.

"We're just having a little reunion, Rick. Just catching up on old times," Josh said, almost merrily. "Want a beer?" he called out as he stepped into the kitchen.

Castle looked at her again. She still hadn't moved or said anything.

"Kate, please, tell me what's going on here," he implored.

She took a step toward him and he did toward her, but then Josh walked into the room with three beers and sat back down in the chair.

Castle looked at Kate, his eyes tearing up.

"Get the hell out of here, Josh," she stated harshly, never breaking eye contact with Castle.

"Relax, guys. We're all adults here."

"Josh, if you don't leave, I will make you leave," she threatened.

"Come on, Katie, don't be like that," he said, still smiling.

"Josh, she's asking you to leave," Castle interjected.

"Don't get in the middle of this, loverboy. She was mine first," Josh told him, raising his voice.

"Do not speak to him like that. And I mean it. Leave. I'm not going to tell you again," she said in this calm, scary voice that Castle had never even heard before.

Josh looked up at her defiantly and took a big gulp of beer.

Without another word or a glance back, Kate stomped into her room. Castle heard her lock box open and didn't know whether to stop her or cheer her on.

When she returned to the living room, her gun was pointed at Josh.

"What the hell?" he yelled, nearly dropping his beer, barely managing to set it on the coffee table.

"I asked you to leave. Now. Leave now!" she growled.

Josh was on his feet in a split second, his hands raised high in the air.

"Are you serious? You're fucking crazy!"

"No, I'm tired and upset and have had a really long night and I asked you very politely numerous times to leave _my_ apartment. I'm not crazy—I just want you gone and I don't want you to come back. So if you aren't going to listen to me, this is how it goes."

Castle moved aside as Josh backed up toward the door, his hands still in the air.

"Will you at least think about what I said?" he tried.

"No, I won't. I suggest you move on, Josh. I have," she said, still steadily pointing the gun at him.

"Fuck this!" Josh snapped. He opened the door and stepped outside the apartment.

He turned and looked at Castle one last time. "Good luck, bro. That girl is damaged goods … and batshit crazy," he added before slamming the door shut.


	5. Chapter 5

As promised … chapter 5. This will be the last. See no need to drag it out and I have a new idea after watching last night's episode. Thanks again for all of the reviews. Please put me on your favorite author list so you can be alerted when I publish my next story!

**CHAPTER FIVE**

Castle turned around and immediately rushed over to her. He held her as she sank to the floor, dropping the gun, ignoring it as it clanked away from them. They wrapped their arms around each other tightly, desperately needing each other's comfort.

After a few moments, Castle remembered why he had come over to her apartment in the first place. He picked her up and carried her over to the couch, sat her down, and covered her with a blanket. He grabbed the three beers, went into the kitchen, dumped the liquid down the sink, and tossed them into the recycling.

He put the kettle on and waited for the water to boil, watching her the whole time. She didn't move, just stared straight ahead. When the water was ready, he grabbed two mugs, dumped two teabags in them, and walked back over and sat down beside her.

He offered her the mug, but she didn't take it, so he set them both on the end table.

After looking at her for a few moments while she zoned out, he spoke to her.

"Where should we start?"

She shifted over a little to be next to him, which made him feel much better. The old Kate would have tossed his ass out, too, and probably not have talked with him again for days.

"I can't believe I did that," she whispered, laying her head down on his chest as he put his arm around her.

"Did what?" he asked, the scenes from tonight shuffling through his brain.

"Pulled a gun on my ex-boyfriend."

"He didn't leave you much of a choice," he pointed out.

She shook her head. "No, Castle. It's not okay to point a gun at anyone unless you are going to shoot him. What kind of person does that?" she asked him.

"I, for one, was glad you did," he admitted.

She looked up at him. "Are you serious? How can you say that?"

"Because he was hostile. And it was starting to feel threatening. I didn't know what to do. I just froze. But you stopped him. He was being a bully and he needed to leave. I think it was simply the most efficient and time-saving way," he mused.

She cracked a smile then. She couldn't help it.

"While I appreciate the support, you shouldn't be condoning my behavior. I could lose my job for something like that."

"I just wish I would have done something," he sighed.

"I actually think that would have been worse," she told him.

"Worse than you pointing a gun at him?"

"Yeah," she said sarcastically, raising an eyebrow at him, but then her voice turned soft. "I think he wanted a fight. And then I would have had to shoot him for real."

"Are you saying I can't take care of myself? That Josh could take me?" he asked, half worried that she meant it.

The thing is, she kind of did mean it. Castle would fight to the death for her—she knew that. He had already done so. But she had a feeling that Josh would have been very violent with Rick. Not that she ever saw anything like that when they were dating or anything. It was just a feeling.

Josh had always felt threatened by Castle—to see him "get the girl" after his epiphany would have been too much. He had already been acting out of character and the air was so tense, it had felt like he was poised to attack them in some way. In fact, she probably did the right thing by pulling the gun on him. It gave him no choice but to leave them.

She looked up at him with a smile on her face. "I think you could have taken him, but I think it would have been a long time before your face was ruggedly handsome again."

He chuckled and pulled her closer. They didn't speak for a few moments, dreading the other conversation they needed to have. But as always, it was him who started it.

"Why is your dress by the door?" he asked softly.

As soon as the last word was out of his mouth, she shot to the other side of the couch.

"What?" she asked in a chilly tone.

Shocked that she had pulled away from him so fast, he stared at her in disbelief.

"What did I say?" he said, hurt starting to coat his face.

"Please don't ask me that question because you thought you walked in on something," she said, her voice pinched.

He gulped, fumbling out an answer. "No, I … of course not. No …" he sputtered.

"I swear to God, Castle. If you think for one moment that I …"

"I did. I did," he confessed. "For like on second, but then I realized how incredibly unfair and stupid that was."

"I can't believe you even thought that! What did you think? That I agreed to secretly meet Josh here tonight so we could give it another go? Just when all this is happening with us?"

"Of course I don't think that, Kate. It was a reflex. If anything, it was jealousy."

"Jealousy, huh?" Kate started out in a loud voice, but immediately quieted herself and looked away from him. She really couldn't fault him for that.

He watched her wrap the blanket around herself tighter. He saw a little shake in her shoulders and was heartbroken to think he had caused her to cry. He desperately wanted to reach out to her, but gave her the space he thought she needed. He didn't want to push too hard. But when she didn't say anything or even look over at him, he couldn't stay quiet any longer.

"Did you leave because of what my mother said to you?" he whispered.

Her head dropped forward then and she took a couple of deep breaths. She still didn't look at him, but she nodded her head.

"Oh, Kate, I'm so sorry," he apologized, moving over to hug her. She jerked away from his arms, but she let him stay beside her.

"I'm so sorry. That must have been a horrible thing to hear. I swear it isn't true. Mother was just exaggerating," he quickly explained.

"Yeah, but I know you've been with a lot of women … and tonight …"

"I know, I know. It was like a Barbie doll parade. But they weren't all ex-lovers. They weren't even all fans. This is the entertainment business. The women are usually attractive. I know a lot of people. Hell, one of them I saw tonight used to babysit Alexis!" he defended.

"Was that the one who grabbed your ass or slipped her phone number into your pocket?" she said sardonically.

"Hey, wait a minute. You're mad at me for having jumped to conclusions about Josh. Aren't you jumping a little yourself?"

"You didn't have to see a parade of my exes tonight," she reminded him.

"No, I had to see your most recent ex in your apartment, with your dress by the doorway …"

"I only took it off there because I wanted to get as far away from tonight as quickly as possible. I'm sorry if I ruined it. I know it was expensive," she said, already losing her fight.

"It's not about the money," he sighed. "I just wish you wouldn't have left the party without saying something to me first—to anyone. I was so worried and then when I found out what Mother had said to you …"

"It was stupid of me to leave," she said quietly. "I tried to go back in. I really did. But all I would have done was cry and I didn't want to embarrass you at your party."

"You think I care about that? Really? You could have run through the room naked, screaming bloody murder with guns in both hands and you wouldn't embarrass me. I don't care what those people think … I don't care what anyone thinks," he said, taking hold of her hands.

"I didn't want you to see me like that," she explained weakly.

"Then send me a text and tell me to meet you outside. Or tell Mother you were upset and that you were going back to your place. Anything beside just leaving. You really hurt me, Kate," he finished, his hand over his heart.

She tried to apologize, but the words wouldn't come out. He wouldn't understand. He thought everything was fine now, but it wasn't … she wasn't and she might never be. He didn't get it. He didn't understand how vulnerable and exposed she felt now. She didn't want him to see everything yet—she was still a work in progress.

"I don't understand why you still feel like you need to hide from me," he said sadly, sinking into the couch.

Damn him. He did get it.

"Josh is right," she whispered. "I am damaged. I will never be okay. And I'm afraid I will never be the woman you want me to be …"

"You already are, Kate," he said gently.

"That's impossible, Castle. You've seen enough, I guess. But you have to understand that even though you say the sweetest things to me and are so painfully nice to me, I still feel like I can't let you in, or that you will leave one day. I would never want to be with me. How can you stand it?"

"Because I love you," he said.

"Is it really that simple?" she asked, starting to move away from him again.

"It is. It has to be. I just wish you could see what I see," he explained.

"And what is it that you see?" she asked mockingly.

"An amazing woman. An amazing person who has gone through horrible things—things that break most people. And yet you have clawed your way back from every tragedy in your life and now you fight for other people. Most people who went through what you did are not okay. But you are. You may not see it. I try to show you. But you are okay."

The whole time he had been talking, tears had been welling up in her eyes.

"You sound like Dr. Burke," she told him, sniffling.

He sighed then and rubbed his hands together. To her surprise, he stood up then and walked behind the couch.

"I can't believe I am still trying to convince you of how resilient, how determined, how freaking amazing you are …

"I mean, you are so beautiful. When I look at you, my heart nearly breaks because I am so happy you finally chose to let me see you in this way. I can't believe I have kissed you and held you … and touched you …

"But it's so much more than that. More than all the hurt we have caused each other. More than how painful it's been waiting for you, waiting for you to see something I had seen for years."

He paused and put both hands on the back of the couch. He bent over, until his face was against hers. She stiffened, but did not move away.

"Kate, I wouldn't change a thing about you. I wouldn't change a thing about Detective Beckett. Not one thing. I like Beckett and Castle, but I love Rick and Kate. I'm your one-and-done. I know it!"

"How do you know?"

He stood up again and walked further away. He didn't look at her.

"Kate, everything we do together produces something awesome. We are supposed to be together, be a team. There is no doubt in my mind. We are partners in every sense of the word. And I'm sorry, but there is no way I could be around you and not love you. And I know you feel the same. You're scared, but you _are_ sure of how you feel about me, right"

She dropped her head, sighing softly. He was right. Now that they had connected, they would never be apart. It didn't matter what happened. He was right. She was his now. They were each other's. Yeah, she had a shitload of work to do, but she could still love him, right?

"You don't have to be perfect to love me, Kate," he said, reading her mind again. "I'm not perfect, and I love you more than anything. I have waited so long for you."

She watched him come back around and sit beside her on the sofa. He slid one hand up her thigh and rested his hand between her legs. She was kind of shocked, but she said nothing.

"Everything is okay," he promised. "I know we need to talk more … or not, whatever you want, but right now I need to—"

She arched up into him as his body pitched forward and covered hers. Hands were everywhere; mouths ran over any skin they could find.

"Kate, you can love when you're broken. You can heal. We're all a work in progress. Don't you realize I want to help? That I want to be around?"

"Are you a work in progress, too?" she breathed into his ear as he sank down, covering the full length of her body.

"I know one department I'm pretty good in," he whispered, his hands coming up to cover her breasts.

"Yeah," she laughed. "But we should make sure,"

"I agree," he managed between shortened breaths.

"We can stop talking now," she moaned as his knee came up and pressed against that heavenly spot between her legs.

"Just remember … we're doing it backward …"

"Twice," she reminded him.

"Twice."

**THE END**


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